sn:/Dean Goes To Candy Mountain
Dec. 16th, 2007 11:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eighth_horizon1500 words, PG-13. Salvationverse. ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mumbles11 asked me to tell her something random about the Salvation AU at WinCon. Charlie’s choice of insult was my answer. XD
Dean Goes To Candy Mountain
(c)2007 b stearns
_____________
There are things a parent never wants to hear. All of these things are Charlie’s favorite subjects from the moment she can talk.
-|-
Sam finished wrapping rolls up in a piece of foil and handed them to Leigh, who popped them into the oven. Sarah brought the mashed potatoes out to the table and spooned them onto each of the girl’s plates.
Dean placed a bowl of mixed vegetables onto the middle of the table. “Hey,” he said, gesturing loosely around his immediate vicinity, “if you’re under the age of twenty, start eating.”
Allie dished up some mixed vegetables and then sat down to dig in. Mary made a divot in the center of her mashed potatoes that was perfectly even from all sides, dropped a kernel of corn in there, and then carefully picked it out and ate it before choosing another veggie to drop in. Six year old Charlie used her knife and fork to begin cutting her chicken, something she was adamant about doing on her own. Dean poured a glass of milk for each girl.
“Daddy,” Charlie said, “chickens are birds, right?”
“Yes,” Dean said. “Delicious birds.”
“So if we eat the chickens and we also eat the eggs, then how come we don’t run out of chickens?”
“Because we don’t eat every single chicken,” Allie said. “And then they let a lot of eggs hatch. There’s millions of chickens.”
There were a few seconds of silence. Mary separated her vegetables so that like kinds were together.
“I’m going to make sure we don’t run out of chickens when I grow up,” Charlie said.
“Chicken farmer, huh?” Dean said.
“I’m going to keep million-millions of them and they won’t be for eating,” Charlie said. “Other people’s chickens will be for eating.”
“You can’t keep millions,” Mary said. “You’ll get tired of them.”
“I’ll do it,” Charlie said. “I’ll start tomorrow.”
“We don’t have the yard for it,” Dean said.
“I’m going to get a bunch of eggs and hatch them,” Charlie said.
“By sitting on them?” Mary said.
“Maybe I should sit on you,” Charlie said.
“Well, why don’t you just do it, then?” Mary said.
Charlie’s response was delivered in a very conversational tone. “Well, why don’t you just suck my dick?”
In the resulting shocked silence, Mary’s expression was the only necessary response for a long moment. Her wide eyes and wider mouth said everything.
“Oooh,” Allie said just under her breath.
Dean was still standing, one hand reaching for a serving spoon, frozen in place, eyebrows raised as high as they would go.
Leigh came out of the kitchen with Sam, holding the rolls, and they both stopped to see what was going on.
Charlie went on eating as if nothing had happened.
Sarah sat down at the table and invested herself in her glass of water with deliberate care, hiding her face.
Dean pulled his hand back and looked at the ceiling for a moment as if praying for strength. One of his first lessons as a father had been not to make a big deal of things that didn’t deserve it, and never of the things he didn’t want her to repeat. “First off,” he said calmly, “I can tell you with absolute certainty that you don’t have one. Secondly – look at me, Charlie – that was rude. Don’t be rude and disrespectful. Especially not to someone you love.”
Charlie put her fork down and tilted her head, looking as if some kind of lightbulb had gone off above it.
“You don’t even know what a dick is,” Allie said with a smirk.
Sarah put her glass down. “Allison. That’s enough.”
“Oh yes I do,” Charlie retorted. “I’ve seen one.”
Sam made a whimpering sound of helpless mirth and turned quickly to go back into the kitchen, pulling Leigh with him.
Dean looked just lost enough for a moment that Mary, seated to his right, leaned over and rested a gentle hand on his wrist. “Maybe it was during the first grade unit on health,” she said softly.
“Sure, right,” Dean said, staring at Sarah with a look that clearly said help me. She had her chin in one hand, fingers placed carefully to cover her mouth.
Dean settled for “Don’t ever say that again.”
“You say it to Sam,” Charlie said with genuine confusion. “Why are you being rude to Sam?”
“I was joking,” Dean said, pointing his fork at her. “That’s beside the point, and you know it.”
“Dean,” Sarah said softly, “why would you be rude and disrespectful to someone you love?”
Dean gave her the same help me look, but it still did no good.
“Yeah, uncle Dean,” Allie said, eyes crinkling with amusement, “why would you say something rude and disrespectful to dad?”
“Yeah, Dean,” Sam said from the kitchen doorway with a grin. “Why would you say something so rude to me?”
“You do love him, don’t you?” Allie said.
“Say it,” Mary said, patting his wrist again. “You’ll feel much better.”
Charlie was staring at him expectantly. Then she looked at Mary and said, “I’m sorry. I love you.”
“Aw,” Mary said. “I love you too.”
“I love you, Charlie!” Leigh said, coming out from behind Sam to come around the table and hug her.
“I love you, Lemur,” Charlie said.
“I love you all,” Allie said in the most dramatic voice she could conjure.
“I’m going to be sick,” Dean said.
Various and sundry additional declarations of love were traded. Dean rolled his eyes. Leigh finally went to her own place at the table and made sure her steamed veggies were not touching her potatoes. Sam passed out the rolls.
Everyone ate in silence for nearly a full minute.
“Hey Dean – “ Sam said.
“Fine,” Dean said. “I love you, Sam. Okay?”
“I was just going to ask you to pass the salt,” Sam said. “That’s all.”
Mary giggled. Charlie grinned as if the whole thing had been planned.
-|-
The girls went out back to play with the dog. The adults gathered in the kitchen and made certain no smaller ears were eavesdropping.
“All is not well with my world, Sam,” Dean said. “Our little girls know what dicks are.”
Sam shrugged. “Only Allie and Mary know what they’re for, though.”
“Charlie just thinks they’re for sucking,” Sarah said.
Sam threw his head back and laughed. Dean leaned forward and put his face in his hands.
“Uncool, Sarah,” he groaned. “Uncool.”
“Christo has forced the issue about anatomy a couple of times,” Sam said. “C’mon, Dean. Plus, Animal Planet.”
“I must have missed the ‘Dicks Of The Serengeti’ special,” Dean growled, looking up at him. “Shit, I hate this.”
“It’s just a little different from the talk you gave me when I was, what, 8 or 9?” Sam said. “Just leave out the part about ‘go ahead and touch it, just don’t do it in public or where I can see you’.”
Dean put his face back in his hands.
“Talk to Dani, and then the two of you can come up with a plan,” Sarah said, audibly trying to keep the laughter out of her voice. “You can’t tell me this is the first time Charlie’s brought up...anatomy.”
“Or we could do it all together,” Sam said. “Get Leigh and Charlie together, and all of us, and make it a very calm, frank discussion on how babies are made, including how no one touches anyone else until they’re about 30.”
Dean dropped his hands and nodded. “Okay, I get it. I’ll talk to Dani. I just thought it would be longer. I mean later.”
Sarah was already laughing again from her spot leaning against the counter. “We still have the book we used for Allie and Mary. It’ll open the discussion. You and Dani give her the book and then tell her to ask all the questions she likes. It’s not that horrifying.”
Dean gave her a look that clearly said yes, it was that horrifying.
“She might not even be ready for it,” Sarah said. “You will have to discuss why she can’t talk about dick as a term in particular...and then if she’s not interested in carrying it further, you might have a short reprieve. But your time is coming.”
Sam clapped him on one shoulder in partly mock sympathy. “Luckily, people quit naming their kids Dick quite awhile back. Or using it as a nickname when they name a kid Richard.”
“Robin’s real name is Dick,” Dean said, as if that was a hurdle he was genuinely worried about.
Sam snorted. “I haven’t noticed a big interest in Batman yet, so we’ll just have to hope it doesn’t come up. No comics for her.”
Dean rolled his eyes. “I’m just not ready for this. I gotta...build up to it a little at a time.”
“Allie’s gonna hit puberty any time now,” Sarah said. “Think about that.”
Dean looked very pale. He passed a hand over his forehead.
“Uncool,” he said.
-|-
mumbles11 asked me to tell her something random about the Salvation AU at WinCon. Charlie’s choice of insult was my answer. XDDean Goes To Candy Mountain
(c)2007 b stearns
_____________
There are things a parent never wants to hear. All of these things are Charlie’s favorite subjects from the moment she can talk.
-|-
Sam finished wrapping rolls up in a piece of foil and handed them to Leigh, who popped them into the oven. Sarah brought the mashed potatoes out to the table and spooned them onto each of the girl’s plates.
Dean placed a bowl of mixed vegetables onto the middle of the table. “Hey,” he said, gesturing loosely around his immediate vicinity, “if you’re under the age of twenty, start eating.”
Allie dished up some mixed vegetables and then sat down to dig in. Mary made a divot in the center of her mashed potatoes that was perfectly even from all sides, dropped a kernel of corn in there, and then carefully picked it out and ate it before choosing another veggie to drop in. Six year old Charlie used her knife and fork to begin cutting her chicken, something she was adamant about doing on her own. Dean poured a glass of milk for each girl.
“Daddy,” Charlie said, “chickens are birds, right?”
“Yes,” Dean said. “Delicious birds.”
“So if we eat the chickens and we also eat the eggs, then how come we don’t run out of chickens?”
“Because we don’t eat every single chicken,” Allie said. “And then they let a lot of eggs hatch. There’s millions of chickens.”
There were a few seconds of silence. Mary separated her vegetables so that like kinds were together.
“I’m going to make sure we don’t run out of chickens when I grow up,” Charlie said.
“Chicken farmer, huh?” Dean said.
“I’m going to keep million-millions of them and they won’t be for eating,” Charlie said. “Other people’s chickens will be for eating.”
“You can’t keep millions,” Mary said. “You’ll get tired of them.”
“I’ll do it,” Charlie said. “I’ll start tomorrow.”
“We don’t have the yard for it,” Dean said.
“I’m going to get a bunch of eggs and hatch them,” Charlie said.
“By sitting on them?” Mary said.
“Maybe I should sit on you,” Charlie said.
“Well, why don’t you just do it, then?” Mary said.
Charlie’s response was delivered in a very conversational tone. “Well, why don’t you just suck my dick?”
In the resulting shocked silence, Mary’s expression was the only necessary response for a long moment. Her wide eyes and wider mouth said everything.
“Oooh,” Allie said just under her breath.
Dean was still standing, one hand reaching for a serving spoon, frozen in place, eyebrows raised as high as they would go.
Leigh came out of the kitchen with Sam, holding the rolls, and they both stopped to see what was going on.
Charlie went on eating as if nothing had happened.
Sarah sat down at the table and invested herself in her glass of water with deliberate care, hiding her face.
Dean pulled his hand back and looked at the ceiling for a moment as if praying for strength. One of his first lessons as a father had been not to make a big deal of things that didn’t deserve it, and never of the things he didn’t want her to repeat. “First off,” he said calmly, “I can tell you with absolute certainty that you don’t have one. Secondly – look at me, Charlie – that was rude. Don’t be rude and disrespectful. Especially not to someone you love.”
Charlie put her fork down and tilted her head, looking as if some kind of lightbulb had gone off above it.
“You don’t even know what a dick is,” Allie said with a smirk.
Sarah put her glass down. “Allison. That’s enough.”
“Oh yes I do,” Charlie retorted. “I’ve seen one.”
Sam made a whimpering sound of helpless mirth and turned quickly to go back into the kitchen, pulling Leigh with him.
Dean looked just lost enough for a moment that Mary, seated to his right, leaned over and rested a gentle hand on his wrist. “Maybe it was during the first grade unit on health,” she said softly.
“Sure, right,” Dean said, staring at Sarah with a look that clearly said help me. She had her chin in one hand, fingers placed carefully to cover her mouth.
Dean settled for “Don’t ever say that again.”
“You say it to Sam,” Charlie said with genuine confusion. “Why are you being rude to Sam?”
“I was joking,” Dean said, pointing his fork at her. “That’s beside the point, and you know it.”
“Dean,” Sarah said softly, “why would you be rude and disrespectful to someone you love?”
Dean gave her the same help me look, but it still did no good.
“Yeah, uncle Dean,” Allie said, eyes crinkling with amusement, “why would you say something rude and disrespectful to dad?”
“Yeah, Dean,” Sam said from the kitchen doorway with a grin. “Why would you say something so rude to me?”
“You do love him, don’t you?” Allie said.
“Say it,” Mary said, patting his wrist again. “You’ll feel much better.”
Charlie was staring at him expectantly. Then she looked at Mary and said, “I’m sorry. I love you.”
“Aw,” Mary said. “I love you too.”
“I love you, Charlie!” Leigh said, coming out from behind Sam to come around the table and hug her.
“I love you, Lemur,” Charlie said.
“I love you all,” Allie said in the most dramatic voice she could conjure.
“I’m going to be sick,” Dean said.
Various and sundry additional declarations of love were traded. Dean rolled his eyes. Leigh finally went to her own place at the table and made sure her steamed veggies were not touching her potatoes. Sam passed out the rolls.
Everyone ate in silence for nearly a full minute.
“Hey Dean – “ Sam said.
“Fine,” Dean said. “I love you, Sam. Okay?”
“I was just going to ask you to pass the salt,” Sam said. “That’s all.”
Mary giggled. Charlie grinned as if the whole thing had been planned.
-|-
The girls went out back to play with the dog. The adults gathered in the kitchen and made certain no smaller ears were eavesdropping.
“All is not well with my world, Sam,” Dean said. “Our little girls know what dicks are.”
Sam shrugged. “Only Allie and Mary know what they’re for, though.”
“Charlie just thinks they’re for sucking,” Sarah said.
Sam threw his head back and laughed. Dean leaned forward and put his face in his hands.
“Uncool, Sarah,” he groaned. “Uncool.”
“Christo has forced the issue about anatomy a couple of times,” Sam said. “C’mon, Dean. Plus, Animal Planet.”
“I must have missed the ‘Dicks Of The Serengeti’ special,” Dean growled, looking up at him. “Shit, I hate this.”
“It’s just a little different from the talk you gave me when I was, what, 8 or 9?” Sam said. “Just leave out the part about ‘go ahead and touch it, just don’t do it in public or where I can see you’.”
Dean put his face back in his hands.
“Talk to Dani, and then the two of you can come up with a plan,” Sarah said, audibly trying to keep the laughter out of her voice. “You can’t tell me this is the first time Charlie’s brought up...anatomy.”
“Or we could do it all together,” Sam said. “Get Leigh and Charlie together, and all of us, and make it a very calm, frank discussion on how babies are made, including how no one touches anyone else until they’re about 30.”
Dean dropped his hands and nodded. “Okay, I get it. I’ll talk to Dani. I just thought it would be longer. I mean later.”
Sarah was already laughing again from her spot leaning against the counter. “We still have the book we used for Allie and Mary. It’ll open the discussion. You and Dani give her the book and then tell her to ask all the questions she likes. It’s not that horrifying.”
Dean gave her a look that clearly said yes, it was that horrifying.
“She might not even be ready for it,” Sarah said. “You will have to discuss why she can’t talk about dick as a term in particular...and then if she’s not interested in carrying it further, you might have a short reprieve. But your time is coming.”
Sam clapped him on one shoulder in partly mock sympathy. “Luckily, people quit naming their kids Dick quite awhile back. Or using it as a nickname when they name a kid Richard.”
“Robin’s real name is Dick,” Dean said, as if that was a hurdle he was genuinely worried about.
Sam snorted. “I haven’t noticed a big interest in Batman yet, so we’ll just have to hope it doesn’t come up. No comics for her.”
Dean rolled his eyes. “I’m just not ready for this. I gotta...build up to it a little at a time.”
“Allie’s gonna hit puberty any time now,” Sarah said. “Think about that.”
Dean looked very pale. He passed a hand over his forehead.
“Uncool,” he said.
-|-
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no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 07:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 07:27 am (UTC)That's it - you WIN AT THE INTERNETS AND LIFE!
no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 07:50 am (UTC)Poor Dean.
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Date: 2007-12-17 07:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 11:19 am (UTC)YEah, Dean. Why would you say something so rude to someone you love?
BWheeee!!!
no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 11:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 01:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 01:30 pm (UTC)Totally NOT uncool!
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Date: 2007-12-17 01:46 pm (UTC)Ah, Dean, payback is a bitch. Or a dick.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 02:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 02:43 pm (UTC)Now that's how all Monday mornings should start off! With a piece of the Salvation universe and laughter (even if the cats did have to come over to figure out why mom was snorting)!
no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 02:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 03:03 pm (UTC)When I read this, my eyes went o_0 and I cracked up. I had to, very nearly, stuff my fist into my mouth because it's late and I really don't want to wake anybody up.
I loved this. I really, really, really loved this. Sam's amusement, Dean's I love you when Sam was just gonna ask for the salt, Sam and Sarah and Dean's coversation, Dean's 'Uncool's. Oh so fricken awesome. I have no favorite part, it's this whole thing.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 03:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 03:47 pm (UTC)This sentence, right here, wins the internet. Awesome story.
OMG!
Date: 2007-12-17 04:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 05:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 06:23 pm (UTC)And i'm right there with Dean. Monstrous Bebe is getting older. It's all *too much*!!
*flails*
no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 06:51 pm (UTC)This was a very fun read!
Favorite lines:
Mary made a divot in the center of her mashed potatoes that was perfectly even from all sides, dropped a kernel of corn in there, and then carefully picked it out and ate it before choosing another veggie to drop in.
I love her little quirks.
“I’m going to get a bunch of eggs and hatch them,” Charlie said.
“By sitting on them?” Mary said.
“Maybe I should sit on you,” Charlie said.
*snickers*
Charlie’s response was delivered in a very conversational tone. “Well, why don’t you just suck my dick?”
Oh dear! And also: LOL!
“Oh yes I do,” Charlie retorted. “I’ve seen one.”
Sam made a whimpering sound of helpless mirth and turned quickly to go back into the kitchen, pulling Leigh with him.
*snickers* I love how much glee Sam takes in this moment.
Dean looked just lost enough for a moment that Mary, seated to his right, leaned over and rested a gentle hand on his wrist. “Maybe it was during the first grade unit on health,” she said softly.
Mary’s so grown up in this moment. I love it. :)
“All is not well with my world, Sam,” Dean said. “Our little girls know what dicks are.”
*snickers* Poor, traumatized Dean. And, yeah, daddies don’t like to have their little girls know about that part of a man’s anatomy.
make it a very calm, frank discussion on how babies are made, including how no one touches anyone else until they’re about 30.”
LOL!
no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 07:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-17 07:55 pm (UTC)Thank you so much darling for such wonderful piece! Poor Dean can't deal with that, he really can't.
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Date: 2007-12-17 09:03 pm (UTC)And yeah, totally with the Dean's trying not to overreact but OMG his little girl is talking about @#(#@$#*(!!!!
HEE!
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Date: 2007-12-17 10:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-18 12:44 am (UTC)That totally just made my evening, and believe me when I say that it could use some helping. Thank you so much!!
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Date: 2007-12-18 01:47 am (UTC)Lovely as usual sweetie!
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Date: 2007-12-18 02:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-18 03:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-04 03:54 am (UTC)Oh, God, this is funny. I laughed at Dean, but I truly admired Sarah for standing her ground. I remember when my kids were small, scowling as I were mad and marching into the bathroom--to laugh myself silly into a bathtowel. Snicker.